Drowning

i have always been a wildly creatively ambitious person
my creativity outstrips my ability to execute every fucking step of the way every time
kfad2 was the one fucking time in my life where i fulfilled every inch of my ambitions
and it wrecked me

what put me on top of the whole fucking world was the period of time when I realized that we had fucking DONE it
that everything we set out to do, we did, and more specifically that everything I set out to do, I did… that is fulfillment to me
being able to execute on my creative ambitions is fulfillment to me.

and… then came the crash. the moment i needed to fucking rest up, life came at me and came at me hard
like literally the fucking week kfad2 ended, major seismic shifts in my life from without began to pummel me
the tide came in at full force and I began to drown, and the more I have struggled to tread water, the harder the waves have crashed
my 2020 started in the last week of 2019 and has only gotten steadily worse all year long
the harder I struggle to overcome it, the worse everything around me gets
it’s a fucking nightmare that I cannot wake from

I finally got my first tiny taste of self-actualization, and I’m changed forever for it
how much effort that took makes sustainably having any amount of that seem further away than EVER
and now I’m being faced with the idea that maybe i should have never ever ever ever done any of the things I’ve ever done in the first place
I feel like fucking human garbage. I feel like a fucking monster.
i am trying to chase actualization, but I’m being stared down by the idea that the actual me is BAD
i dont know how much longer i can hold up

im in so much fucking pain constantly now
im just in fucking pain constantly i cant fucking stand it
im in so much pain i cant do the shit that makes me happy no matter how much i fucking cut down my ambitions
i feel like i will just never ever ever ever ever ever ever be able to feel like a creatively fulfilled complete person EVER
the literal one fucking fleeting moment of total fulfillment I ever got was by working an amount that ruined my health and friendships too
I’ll never ever be able to do that ever again
I am physically incapable of fucking regretting it but I shouldn’t have done it and I’ll never be able to do it again
but it’s all i fucking want, is that
it’s all i fucking want

ive been in the deep deep water my entire life and the only thing I ever hear from anyone is “I can’t teach you how to swim”
im going to lose my fucking mind
i’m going to drown